[Not Live Blog]: MTV Movie Awards

I missed the first showing of the MTV Movie Awards, so I’m here to blog about the next 5o showings showing. Why? I’m home alone, it’s a Sunday and it’s my day off tomorrow. Let the awkward MTV moments begin…

10:35 – Who is the bald guy in gold rimmed glasses? Am I supposed to know who this is? Wait – Is this some sort of Twilight soft porn? Taylor Lautner and Robert Pattinson are standing in fire staring at me. . .so. . .hot.

10:38: Who is in charge of the bleeper for all these potty mouths? Get better at your job.

10:40: Aziz Ansari is on stage making jokes about low and behold, Twilight. And if it weren’t for Taylor Lautner’s (incredibly soft looking) face, I would rather watch cheese molding.

10:41: J-BEEBS. Is blow drying his hair. Little girls everywhere just had to change their panties.

10: 45: Kristen Stewart, I see you. Turn that frown upside down, hunny. Wash your hair. And stop swallowing your lower lip.

10:47: Best Female Performance: If K-Stew wins this. I’m not blogging anymore. Winner: KRISTEN STEWART. You have got to be kidding me. Over Sandra Bullock?!? She has the social skills of an abused puppy. I’m still blogging.

10:56: Another Robert Pattinson joke. Made by yours truly, P-Diddy. Or is it Puff Daddy? P-Dizzle? Jonah Hill and Russell Brand are arguing about how slow P-Daddy is because never understands anything. Best Breakout Star: Anna Kendrick. Classy. Thank you Puff. And woah, Puff, get your hands off Anna’s popcorn.

10:59: Ed Helms is playing the piano, and Ken Jeong is dancing in a felt leopard leotard. Ed Helms is wearing what looks to be a man sized cotton ball. Is this suppose to make sense? As quickly as I was confused, Ludacris is on the big screen telling Tom Cruise to rip the beat. Now they’re crunking. I’m nervous.

11:02: OMG. J-LO just came out with a cane ‘ripping the beat’ to an ancient song of hers. With Tom Cruise. Am I suppose to be blown away from the extreme talent unfolding on stage? Because I’m not. I’m scared. This feels like I’m hanging out at the local bar all over again. Watching 40+ year olds dance to 50 Cent.

11:08: Steve Carell and Paul Rudd. Ok, potential. Best Scared as Sh** Performance: Amanda Siefred – JENNIFER’S BODY. Siefred say’s thank you! – “Even though not that many people saw it.” I’m more scared of the popcorn man.

11:16: Bradley Cooper. I don’t hear sound. An MTV Award Kiss Cam? Did someone just make out with The Situation’s girlfriend? Was that awkward or funny? I’m so overwhelmed by make-out seshes right now. Two make-out scenes for K-Stew?! Lessen the odds for this woman people! Best Kiss: Who knew? K-Stew and R-Patz. Three way with the popcorn man?

11:20: I guess they “kissed.” I want Russell Brand and Jonah Hill to make-out instead.

11:21 Jason Segal creeps out Miranda Cosgrove and the entire U.S. population trying to act like a “big fan” of her stuff.

11:23: Katy Perry performs California Girls wearing what looks to be like a mermaid costume. Snoop Doggie Dog needs to buy new socks. Maybe ankle socks.

11:32: MTV Generation Award for Sandra Bullock/S-Bomb/Supreme/S-Booch/Sandy/Sand’s Bullock/The Sand Man/S-Beezy/Lorenzo. Betty White, Bradley Cooper and Scarlett Johansen come out on stage. How hawt is Bradley Cooper. I know already this is going to be sweet. BETTY WHITE I LOVE YOU, “I adore you madly, Sandy you are a national treasure. I’m a huge fan of yours. . .”

11:39: Just looking at Sandra Bullock about to give a speech is empowering. She’s so humble and classy. “Honey don’t ever wear that dress backwards” -Betty White, talking about Sandra Bullock’s open back dress. I’m dying.

11:41: “No matter what you’ve seen or heard lately, I love what I do. I’m not going anywhere.” -Sandra Bullock

11:43: Sandra just kissed Scarlett. And now she says “Now that we have that out of the way, it’s time to get back to normal.” I hear ya, sister.

11:44: Time to make the censors ears bleed with with WTF award. I’m 22 and I can’t understand what they’re saying because all of the bleepers. I’m 22 and is this really necessary? WTF Award goes to the guy that popped out of the back of a trunk in The Hangover, naked.  “Him and his penis,” thank you.

Featured [Live Feed] moment from Jezebel: The overarching comedic style of the evening seems to be “I’M GOING TO YELL AND IT’S GOING TO BE FUNNY! IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE I’M YELLING!”

11:50: Will Ferrell is in a harness. That’s all you need to know.

11:53: Best Villian: Tom Felton (Harry Potter). I watched one Harry Potter movie, and read 1/2 a book. Nexxxttt.

11:56: I’m actually quite bored with all of the F-Bombs, constant promoting for Harry Potter and Twilight, Avatar jokes, and awkward pre-planned awkward moments. I just want to see the Christina performance, and then I’m out.  Sorry if this makes me a bad “live” blogger.

11:59: Sean White looks like Tarzan. Biggest Bad A$$ Star: Rain. Why can’t we promote Channing Tatum and let him win?

12:01: Kristen Stewart is on stage again. Between Taylor and Robert. I hate how she always acts so “sad” about being placed in this order on stage. Twilight Saga premiere….I only remember seeing Taylor’s tight black shirt. And lots of fierce vampire glares. I dig it.

12:11: And Robert Pattinson wins another award. Or two.

12:12: Finally, Christina re-inventing herself again. I love it, though. It’s almost like the poor girl is always 2 steps behind another Pop Princess. First Britney, now Gaga. I wish she would just stick to her insane ballads. During this performance, I can’t stop thinking that she has a child….there is a glowing heart on her vay-jay-jay.

With that, I’m out. I know the awards aren’t finished quite yet, but I have faith in MTV that they will show the awards a few more times on MTV all day and night for the next week.

For the record, I’m a little embarrassed I did this. For one, it’s not live and for two, I think I lost more brain cells watching than I would have binge drinking.

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Categories: Videos

Author:bechaffee

University of Saint Thomas graduate. Minnesota-bred and happy to talk about the weather any time you’d like! Strongly believes any situation can be bettered by a slice of generously buttered toast or Phil Dunphy. Would get arrested to touch Justin Timberlake’s face. Always trying to be a better person by not wishing horrible karma on people driving slow in the fast lane. Hear more: @twitter @instagram

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