Cosmo: The Rules of an Ultimate Bombshell (in man-speak)

Sometimes, I have my weak moments.  Usually my weak moments encircle brief urges to consume lots of dark chocolate, or the sudden hankering to call up my crush.  Recently, I uncovered another indulgence; purchasing the July edition of Cosmopolitan.  When I was in middle school, it was the interesting sex articles that really sparked my fancy (Ok, let’s admit it – it was like a dictionary for all of the bus banter in 7th grade). I really couldn’t tell you why I still purchase the magazine. Maybe it’s Chelsea Handler’s new column, or how the celebs scribble their own answers into the featured celebrity interview.  Whatever it is, it keeps me coming back for more.  Yep, like a abusive boyfriend truly loyal magazine consumer.

Cosmo usually has some kinky crazy stuff to talk about every month.  Half the time, I’m wondering if people really take the advice of the (apparently sexual active) peeps writing these articles. But THIS month, Cosmo took a turn for the men-infested hills. The July edition (lucky for all the ladies out there!) was a special ‘man issue’ and featured an interesting little article called ‘What Guys Really Love About Your Looks.’ In this article Cosmo asked hundreds of men about their opinions about beauty trends.  After reading about what guys expect woman to be like, I thought it would be silly to go through a ‘rule list’ of how a woman should behave (beauty-wise) in accordance to how the majority of these men want them to.

86% say; when it comes to your primping routine, he wants to see you dry off after a shower. Rule #1: Always make sure your boyfriend is ready when you get out of the shower to watch you dab your tresses.

45% say; of all your beauty tools, the one that scares the hell out of him is the flat iron. Rule #2: Never allow him to see your big, scary, and slightly frightening straighter.

37% say; the amount of time he’s willing to wait for you to get gorgeous is 30 minutes. Rule #3: Before you get ready, set a timer and make sure you make like speedy Gonzales. Oh, and while you are jumbling to get ready within time restriction, whatever you do, DON’T show him your straighter! And put on a towel drying show.

75% say; his biggest morning-after turn off is funky a.m. breath: Rule #4: How one suppose to prevent this is beyond me. So spring up out of bed and brush those pearly whites upon opening your sleep infested eyeballs.

%41 say; when they see your shiny skin they think ‘she should shower!’ Rule #5: To dodge utmost humiliation and concerns about your showering habits – lay off the Olay moisturizer.

63% say; they would love you to wear the beachy waves hairstyle: Rule #6: Always make it look like you just got finished rolling around the sandy beach like a chicken in a shake and bake bag.

But in a plethora of hard-work, there is reward.

55% say; they want you to come to bed make-up free. Rule #7: Wash that tired face of yours and grace the pillow au natural. Yum.

[Important Note]: I am in no way a feminist. I respect them, but I thought this would be a funny spin on the (every so crazy) Cosmo article.

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University of Saint Thomas graduate. Minnesota-bred and happy to talk about the weather any time you’d like! Strongly believes any situation can be bettered by a slice of generously buttered toast or Phil Dunphy. Would get arrested to touch Justin Timberlake’s face. Always trying to be a better person by not wishing horrible karma on people driving slow in the fast lane. Hear more: @twitter @instagram


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One Comment on “Cosmo: The Rules of an Ultimate Bombshell (in man-speak)”

  1. June 14, 2010 at 10:04 pm #

    lol…God bless Cosmopolitan. I was the same way in jr high, it was like a forbidden bible of knowledge and a window peering into my prospective life as an…adult? Who knows. Anyway, enjoyed the humorous commentary as always. I have this obsession with brushing my teeth in the morning and then darting back into bed with my boyfriend. Morning breath grosses ME out though!

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