Eclipse Didn’t Suck Because of Jacob’s Hip Crevasse’

Oh hi.

I took a seat in the local movie theater for the third and most anticipated (in my opinion) showing of the Twilight mega-series.

And I was ready.

I had smuggled a bag of ‘Reduced Fat’ cheese-its and Orange flavored San Pallegrino water in to the theater and the film was just about to roll. . .

I just want to get one clarification out of the way before I begin my quest as the ultimate movie reviewer. To those whom are concerned: I am not one of those supa-fans who camp outside of premieres, pre-purchase tickets or religiously order Teen Bop magazines for four-spread Edward Cullen posters.  But I will say; I am loyal.  And I do still own a well maintained Rolling Stone mag with Taylor Lautner on the cover. It’s on my bedstand. And it’s release date is last year.

Ok. He’s wearing a white tee and he’s soaking wet. Sue me.

Anyway – I red the series in a matter of two very lonely and anti-social months. And naturally, I was pretty psyched to watch the tale unfold via AMC Theater – with real live, breathing characters. Minus K-Stew as Bella Swan, she can politely excuse herself. Unfortunately for everyone, Twilight in theaters was a gigantic buzz kill.   The movie was already sucking more than blodd and this was only the first leg of the four legged race to vampire-dom?!? I was trapped, flabbergasted. How could a story so good on paper, fail so good in Hollyweird?!

I’ve got the explanation.

But before I start; while I was shoving salty cheese-its into my mouth while watching Jacob Blacks rippling arm veins, in Eclipse, I was pleasantly surprised.  So now, using Eclipse the movie as my back up; here is why Twilight bombed dot comed.

What Twilight Had That Eclipse Did Not

[Thus, why it sucked]

Terrible Effects

Twilight:The effects in Twilight made me squirm. When Edward climbed up that large tree trunk with spider monkey Bella on his back, I wanted to point and laugh. That shouldn’t happen.

Eclipse: Besides a few ‘haha bad werewolf edit’ the effects were realistic and un-point-and-laugh worthy. I wasn’t slapping my own hand and slowly looking around to see if anybody else was.

No Scenes w/ a Nakie Jacob Black

Twilight: Before lil’ Jacky found out he was a living, breathing werewolf, he didn’t rip off his clothes mid-shapeshifter. Cue, the disappointed groans.  He also had long hair, with the occasional feather in it? Call me crazy, but sex appeal? Out the back door.

Eclipse: I mean, I don’t know – I thought the little children should leave the theater after the thoughts in my head started expanding throughout the thought-o-verse. Between Jacob’s perfected chiseled 90 pack and close up hip crevasse shots, I was getting super hungry. And not for my cheese-its.

K-Stews Terrible Acting / Bad Acting in General

Twilight: Lip swallowing and constant stuttering are not going to win you even a Popcorn award at the MTV movie awards K-Stew darling dear. Get yourself an acting coach. As for everybody else – samsies to ya’ll.  I was so busy feeling bad for all of the acting mistakes, I was stressed out come rolling credits.  Nobody could figure out how to act like a vampire.  Mysterious and blood sucking turned into awkward-fest 101 and slightly perverted. And terribly unnatural.

Eclipse: Ok, I’ll say it. Looks like 2 years in the making has turned most of the actors into seasoned (for the most part) vampire acting pros.  Guess they took a class somewhere.

No Wig for K-Stew

Twilight: What was with Bella’s beauty issues in this first movie? She had blotchy undone skin, a perma-frown, and nappy dread-locky hair. It was distracting. And whenever Edward would press his pretty little vampire nose into the nap of her neck, I feared for him.

Eclipse: Homeslice got a wig. Try not to notice. It’s harder than picking between Jacob and Edward.

Cheese-curd Lines Mean Crudely Awkward Times

Twilight: For some reason, the lines did not work in this movie. They were so beautiful and natural in writing – how could they screw them up on script right? But when Edward dropped the ‘lion’ line amongst the moss in the deep Forks forest, I bit my lip harder than K-Stew. Awkward.

Eclipse: Yay! Something about the presentation of quotes in this movie let me sit deeper in my seat, chew slower on my cheese-its, and absorb the lines for what they were worth, trust me.

Lack o’ Edward Side Burns

Twilight: I don’t think he had them in this movie. Not sure. Enlighten me. If he didn’t though, another reason Twilight blew a gasket.

Eclipse: Well, he definitely had them. And they were nice.

Stupid Emo Music

Twilight: Every time I thought I would give this movie another dying chance, somebody cued the weird emo, I-hate-my-life music. I think K-Stew made them do it, and it didn’t work. I felt even more adolescent and stupid for being at one of the first showings.

Eclipse: Somebody finally let the piano rifts seep their way into the story line. Thank God. Everyone, feel the happiness.

An unconvincing love story

Twilight: The book was as luscious as a ripe pear (weird analogy, sorry bout it). But the movie was as dry as a desert. (whew- look at me going all creative on ya)! Regardless, the love story was extremely unconvincing. In a relationship so passionate and driven to succeed, I was blatantly unconvinced by their on-the-surface love affair. It wasn’t deep, it was plain, bland and miles upon miles away from the ever existing love in The Notebook persay.

Eclipse: Thanks to Jacob, I was finally convinced people actually had feelings for each other in this grand ol’ installment. It was relieving. It was attainable. Not quite Noah and Ali, but definitely better than Jake and Vienna.

Now, scurry along. Go see Eclipse and you will definitely enjoy it. It’s sans emo tunes and Jacob extensions. What a beautiful thing.

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University of Saint Thomas graduate. Minnesota-bred and happy to talk about the weather any time you’d like! Strongly believes any situation can be bettered by a slice of generously buttered toast or Phil Dunphy. Would get arrested to touch Justin Timberlake’s face. Always trying to be a better person by not wishing horrible karma on people driving slow in the fast lane. Hear more: @twitter @instagram


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  1. Personal Care 101 - July 2, 2010

    Eclipse Didn?t Suck Because of Jacob?s Hip Crevasse?…

    I found your entry interesting do I’ve added a Trackback to it on my weblog :)…

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