What I Wish I Knew When I Was 20something

I was reading Glamour the other day in the airport and a particular article caught my attention (Side Note: If you haven’t picked up the September Issue of Glamour, please do – it is delectable). It was called, ‘The Things I Wish I Knew When I Was 21.‘ Immediately, I was intrigued.  I lay confident in my mind that as a 20something year old I basically know nothing – in a blissful sense that I am naive and overly analytical.  Therefore, this article really hit home from me. Of course, the ‘things’ she wish she’d known at a ripe 20something age were examples like: Constantly making excuses for the guy you’re with.  But my favorite little tid-bit of 20something attributes was a more sex-y issue.  The basis of the arguement was:

What I wish I knew when I was 20something: Sleeping with someone doesn’t give you power – not sleeping with him does.

Isn’t this so true? And why haven’t I captured this philosophy before? [probably has something to do with me being a 20something….]  In college, it is an embedded philosophy that ‘sleeping with him’ is part of the game. Although it’s not my style, some practice ‘the third date rule’, some wake up beside a guy in bed and rush out as soon as they possibly can. But that’s beside the point.  It’s the guy you are dating where this ‘sleeping power’ seeps in.

In my recent post, I mentioned people hook-up because they are insecure and that need for power is pumping through their veins. Power in making their own decisions and having comfort in knowing they are attractive and important enough to be wanted and needed in (any sort) of relationship.  That power in sleeping with somebody also transfers to power over the other person. For women, we all know a certain emotional attachment springs into effect after they sleep with a man.  i.e : But, if I don’t sleep with him, that means I’m going to lose him? Isn’t he going to leave me if we don’t do this right now? I think young woman believe the same sort of thing happens with men – when it really doesn’t – and sleeping with them is going to rope them in and keep them around forever.

But no kiddies, that is not the case. I don’t even think men could entirely rope a woman in that way (even considering the emotional attachment). My argument is, no, sleeping with someone does not give you the power.  Not sleeping with him will keep him around and if it doesn’t?  Why do you want a man that will leave you to find a humping object somewhere else anyway? Whether it is over yourself, or any other male counterpart.  If anything, you completely lose that power.  Not sleeping with him gives you a tight grasp on the power you have to control what you want to do with your body and how and when you want to share that intimacy with him – considering the time is right and you will not risk being hurt.  I’m not saying you have to set up a personal brigade against being sexually active.  You can do whatever you please with your lady-bits and your sheets.

But when you want any sense of power, keep the sex at minimum.  Keep the mystery alive.  If the man will stick around sans the sex for a while, you know he is worthwhile.  And you still have that intimate part of yourself to save for another.

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Author:bechaffee

University of Saint Thomas graduate. Minnesota-bred and happy to talk about the weather any time you’d like! Strongly believes any situation can be bettered by a slice of generously buttered toast or Phil Dunphy. Would get arrested to touch Justin Timberlake’s face. Always trying to be a better person by not wishing horrible karma on people driving slow in the fast lane. Hear more: @twitter @instagram

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