Please, Don’t Be This Type of Facebook User

Oh em gee, tag me kay!?

It’s hard to believe that there was a time before Facebook. How did people know what their friends were eating for dinner or how stressed they were for midterms? How did college students learn the ins and outs of farming?!

Truth be told, I spend the majority of my days multi-tasking  (i.e. watching T.V, pounding an entire bag of Chipotle chips + guac, all while refreshing my Facebook mini-feed) and after many hours of productive stalking, I have come to notice that while there are 500 million active Facebookers, they all fall into 8 categories.

So take that, Professor-Who-Made-Me-Sign-off-Facebook-During-Lecture. My creep sessions were not “a useless waste of time,” because I’m here now with some valuable research that will get the world thinking! Don’t be shocked if you see yourself listed below. And that includes you, prof.

The Gamer
Hey! Newflash! You’re not a real ninja so stop sending me death stars. The gamer is one of my least favorite Facebook users because I can’t stand getting updates about how they need to sift their crops and feed their turtle on Farmville.  The Gamer will often send random (and constant) invitations to weird Facebook games that need access to your profile information, address, social security number and first born child in order to join.

The Humane Society Patron
If you have constant pictures of your new puppy all over your profile, I now dub you the Humane Society Facebook user. I agree that all puppies are cute and, sure, I do think that your dog is good looking enough to be a Purina spokespet. But enough with the 120 photo albums of your dog taking a shadoobie in a neighbor’s yard.   Until your dog starts doing super cool tricks, like driving and texting, I don’t want to see daily photos. (Note: same goes for babies. For realz.)

The Boozer
If 95% of your status updates are about how much you like to party (and the other 5% are about being hungover), you fall under the category of Facebook Boozer.  This type of user constantly refers back to alcohol in brief status rants that are updated every other hour. A prime example of this behavior: “hit me up if you want a drink” OR,  the more mature: “there is nothing like family, friends and drinkin’ beer!!” Profile pictures will always revolve around drinking out of foreign objects (i.e. paint shooters, milk jugs,  etc.) or pictures where one is clearly drunk (red face, half open eyes, mouth agape, mimicking sexual acts with drinking instruments).  While you may think you look like the life of the party, let us assure you, you look like a future candidate for Lilo’s rehab roommate.

The Quoter
Totally uncreative and unable to come up with their own thoughts, the quoter will often pollute their page with sappy love quotes and/or quotes about life and death.  Although Facebook is a social network to keep in touch with your friends, this gal thinks she signed up for Facebook to fill her page to the brim with (other peoples’) ridiculous philosophies about life. Even if that person is Nicki Minaj.

The Whiner
This Facebooker is skimping on paying her psych bills and instead using her status updates like a pro-bono therapist.  Always stirring up trouble, this user/abuser puts the rainy cloud over the collective Facebook audience, one “ANOTHER speeding ticket” status update at a time. You will always hear about her terrible encounter with the Starbucks clerk when she tried to order her latte, the awful driver who pulled out in front of her in traffic, or that morning shower that just never got hot thanks to the a-holes who use all the water upstairs.  Let me fill you in on a little something, Whiner: we don’t really care. And not only that, it’s taking alllll our self restraint not to click “like” every time you put up a “woe is me” status.

The Chronic Status Updater
“Wake up, inhale, poop, exhale, shower, laundry, tan, inhale again, shop, hang out with my bestie, drinks, remember to exhale. Busy day! Text meh!”  This is the usual status update from this type of Facebook user.  Personally, I don’t know what our text conversation is going to be about since I know every aspect and dimension of your day’s plans. But whatever. I do want to hear more about your laundry so that will be a great convo.

The Commendation Requester
AKA: the ‘like’ requester.  Whether it is by constantly updating pictures about all the baseball games he gets to attend or constantly changing his  relationship status to receive recognition, this guy (or girl!) lives for the virtual approval of others.

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Categories: Uncategorized


University of Saint Thomas graduate. Minnesota-bred and happy to talk about the weather any time you’d like! Strongly believes any situation can be bettered by a slice of generously buttered toast or Phil Dunphy. Would get arrested to touch Justin Timberlake’s face. Always trying to be a better person by not wishing horrible karma on people driving slow in the fast lane. Hear more: @twitter @instagram


Subscribe to our RSS feed and social profiles to receive updates.


  1. Tweets that mention Please, Don’t Be This Type of Facebook User | The Pink Filly -- - October 25, 2010

    […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by wanszezit, Alltop Facebook. Alltop Facebook said: Please, Don't Be This Type of Facebook User […]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s